I Wish that Little, Strawberry Hat Still Fit

This is L, five or six years ago. We are hiking in New Jersey during a camping trip that didn't exactly go well. We all got ticks, the weather was hot and soggy and the mosquitoes were hungry and out for revenge (or so it seemed). I'm pretty sure we ended up coming home early. So, this picture doesn't exactly represent the fondest of memories.



Yet, this photo begs for my presence. I would LOVE to go back there... even for a moment. This photo of little, adorable L and several dozen of my children from years past have been haunting me lately. The other day, after watching an hour's worth of home videos, I told R that I would pay $5,000 to go back for one day and be with my babies again. My youngest is still four and my oldest is not yet ten, but I'm still feeling that horrible panic that I'm sure every mother eventually confronts; I'm realizing that watching your children grow is like a perpetual losing of them at the same time. I will never again play with two-year old L, I can't hold baby Q again and D will never toddle his first step in front of me. These thoughts make my gut wrench in pain and my eyes fill with tears.



Its not that I don't appreciate them as they are now. It feels like MAGIC to watch your kids grow and learn and become more and more of who they were born to be. When you have a baby, though, you are their universe. My four year old is totally into the solar system and frequently rehearses facts like, "Pluto is a dwarf planet because its so small, right?" I'm so proud that he's aware of the actual universe! Only... he's aware that I'm just a tiny little piece of the universe. I'm just mom the person, no longer MOM the everything.



I MISS MY BABIES! And, they're never coming back.



This isn't a feeling of being "baby hungry" (though any baby makes me feel all squishy on the inside since I have none at home any longer). Its just that they are changing and I can't keep up. Someday, they will be so changed that they will forget they ever needed me so much. That's good. That's life. That's scary.



I know the big picture here is to make every moment count. My kids don't actually belong to me in every sense, I know that. I'm fortunate beyond words to have them with me for the time they're here. Once they're grown and on their way, I'll savor what I can get: a couple of phone calls here and there, some emailed pictures of grand kids, maybe the privilege to visit on occasion? Actually, I think being a Grandparent is going to be awesome - I can't wait... NO! NO! I can wait, I can wait!



P.S.



Lately, D has been really into Star Wars: Return of the Jedi. We've seen it five times in the last ten days... at least. My favorite line in the movie (and I could pick several) is when Han Solo tells Chewbacca to "Fly Casual." I think that's great advice - sort of like "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff."